Friday, June 14, 2013

Top Ten Ways Men Can Dress Modestly

Listen up men, you've been flaunting your curves for far too long and it's about time you stop making women and gay males stumble*.  How can you possible live with yourselves by doing that?  It's time you straighten up and put others first.  So I've made a handy top ten guide on how guys can dress and act more modestly. I hope you feel properly chastized!

10. Stop playing sports.  It's no surprise that atheletes are considered attractive what with them running around showing off their muscles in skimpy clothes.  It's best to sit on your butt and do nothing all day just to make sure nobody is tempted by this..

Adrian Peterson- running back for the Minnesota Vikings

David Beckham- English National Soccer Team

Cristiano Ronaldo- Portuguese National Soccer Team

Rafael Nadal- Spannish Tennis player formerly ranked #1

9. Definitely no dancing.  I don't think this one even needs an explanation...


8. Stop singing/playing in a band. It's hard to resist a guy with a great voice or one who rocks the guitar.  When you combine the two? Just not right.  If you want to spare us put down the guitar and pick up something less tempting, may I suggest the Tuba?

7. Put a shirt on! Seriously, what's with all these guys running around without shirts? It's like they want to be mobbed.  I can't imagine what self-respecting guy would not wear a shirt.  It's definitely the downfall of our society that guys go to the beach shirtless.
Daniel Dae Kim

Rodrigo Santoro

6. Ditch the self-confidence. I hate to say it but sometimes we just can't resist the overly confident alpha male so it's best to be as meek and mild as possible, more Clark Kent rather than Superman.  Definitely no Tony Stark

Robert Downey Jr.

5. Stop being a vampire. I can't say what it is about those blood suckers but so many find them irresistible. Maybe try going vegan?

Robert Pattinson as Edward
I'm pretty sure Alexander Skarsgard might just have to wear a full-body paper bag to protect our eyes.

Alexander Skarsgard as Eric from True Blood

4. If you have smouldering eyes you should just wear, you know, contacts or glasses or something. Cover them up!!

Ian Somerhalder

3. Wear baggy clothes.  Some love tall, lanky guys and when they go about wearing form fitting clothes, well, you can't help it if people start swooning?

Jim Parsons as Sheldon- stop wearing tight T-Shirts and for the love of all things holy- put some pants on!

2. Shave your head.  It's hard to go on with your life when you're distracted by a guy's luscous locks of hair

Jason Momoa
John Cho

oh wait... hmm.  Maybe shaving isn't the best idea?
Bruce Willis

1. Ditch the Tailored Suits. Look what happens when you put Jesus in a tailored suit, that's definitely NOT appropriate for church! Kids cover your eyes!

Jim Caviezel as Jesus
Jim Caviezel as Mr. Reese

Long story short if you really want to be modest you should wear a hat, baggy clothes, and basically sit around doing nothing.  On second thought even that might not work.

Jeff Bridges as the Dude

Disclaimer: Just in case this isn't infinitely clear already, the point of this post is to question the multitude of rules that women deal with when it comes to how they act and dress in order to not "tempt" males**.  The idea behind modesty is that men are basically mindless sex maniacs that can't be controlled so you have to "protect" yourself as a female by dressing and acting modestly i.e. in such a manor that a male wouldn't be turned on by your appearance and/or persona.  This also assumes that women are somehow NOT sexual creatures and can't be "tempted" in the same way.  I beg to differ. 

Once you break down what people are attracted to (and that varies radically from individual to individual) you'd have to outlaw basically everything.  That's why the focus needs to always be on appropriate behavior around others that you're attracted to.  As humans we have enough self-control not to go up and slap somebody's ass just because we find them attractive and if not that needs to be taught ASAP.  If you're still having problems with that why not move to a private island in the middle of nowhere?  Or buy one of the Bluth's houses...

* Stumble as in Romans 14:21
** Well, and the assumption that this only is a male to female thing in and of itself is obviously flawed.


  1. I <3 this post! Also, I love how you show that people can be sexy regardless of how they dress or whether they meet conventional standards of attractiveness too. Fabulous!

    1. Thanks! Yes, that's definitely the point. There's no one set of rules when it comes to attraction that's why discussions of strict standards when it comes to modesty don't even make sense.

  2. Thanks for the giggle this morning!

  3. Khal Drogo needs to put a shirt on in GoT to keep me from stumbling! (Obviously not really, because Jason Momoa in general = *drool*).

    In all seriousness, though, you are excellent at satire. I laughed so much at putting Jesus in a tailored suit :-). I always felt like I wouldn't have *as much* trouble with people wanting others to dress "modestly" if they applied the same rules to both males and females. I'm still a bit on the fence about how I feel about modesty and how it relates to sexuality, but this kind of post gives me more to consider!

    1. I'm pretty sure Khal Drogo has caused many women to stumble, it's a serious concern. ;)

      Thanks! I understand what you're saying and one issue with it is that I think many of the attributes that involve attraction to males are either intangible and/or are things that don't necessarily involve lack of clothes (like eyes or hair). Granted, it can certainly be that way with women too but with the sexualization and objectification of the female form it makes it somehow easier to place rules on females.

  4. I wish I have an i-pad or something with internet and a screen in the street, so I could show this article to each idiot guy who chat me up because "I ask for it" by wearing a dress, smiling in the street, or just because they are attracted by my body.
    I could also show this article who my friends who critics other girls because "they are dressed like sluts" !

    I LOVE reading that, but I would love even more if every body could read and understand it !

    1. Thanks and feel free to print it off and carry around to show those guys. :P

  5. Did you hear about this, today? The Kraft Zesty dressing dude, mostly nekkid and all that good stuff??

    I think it's hilarious people are up in arms about that ad...and yet you can find it's equal twenty times over featuring women....and we don't hear about that, do we?

    1. No, I haven't heard about it but I find the response pretty interesting. I guess you're only allowed to objectify women, not men...

  6. I am applauding this post.
    ...and saving the pictures.

  7. This is terrific. Hit the "funny bone" in so many places.

  8. I'm sending this to all my friends ... such a good point, and one that you make so well.

    P.S. Re: The Bible's definition of "stumbling": Dan Savage, a gay man and a syndicated sex-advice columnist, wrote a book about the Seven Deadly Sins, Skipping Towards Gomorrah. He points out that early Christians believed that it's a sin to behave or dress in ways that you know make other people lust after you.

    "Which means, of course, that Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise -- both appeared shirtless on the cover of Vanity Fair -- have sinned grievously, as their actions inspired lust in my heart and the hearts of millions of other straight women and gay men."


  9. Brilliant satire. And how funny that as I was reading toward the end, I thought about the Dude, having just seen "The Big Lebowski." Then you picture him!

    1. The Dude truly is an awe-inspiring character. :)

  10. You sure about that tuba?

    1. I'm always happy to be proven wrong. :) I have to admit when I think of a tuba a picture of Larry is permanently etched in my mind:

    2. I hadn't come across Larry before. Thanks. :-)

  11. I was laughing on and off through this whole post! It really opened my eyes though. I have never felt like a girl should *have to* cover up to not get harassed, but I have always felt the need to protect myself by doing so. It's pretty absurd when you think about it. I should be able to strut around in the street naked and not be scared that someone would touch me, well... Maybe no one would either haha, they'd think I was a lunatic! The point is... It really is awful the way we have to protect ourselves or fight for our right to dress in less without being sexually harassed.

  12. Oh Lord, Rammstein needs to take this list and read it! Lord have mercy, those are some HOT guys there! Not sure which I want to lick first. Ok, I'll go be filthy minded in my corner now.

  13. #2.Omg.I love love love you.haha.
    Seriously,I was in church months ago in the youth group and they kept talking about modesty and how the girls need to dress a certain way while I had a boy sitting in front of me with hair I kept wanting to run my fingers through..I really have a thing for nice hair.So I told my friend who has been told to wear more modest shirts though she was only 12 or 13 and was wearing a normal t shirt with no cleavage at all,slim and petite!That really bothered me how she was being sexualized so young...for like..collarbones showing?Anyways,I told her,guys should shave their head so they quit tempting us with their awesome hair!lol

  14. Oh, I'm a male and I was actually looking at this to learn how to dress more modestly. #rippedorthodoxjew Cute article though.